So much of life is a mystery. And the older I get, the more I should understand yet the more I realize I don't. The more I see, the more I realize that life is complex. And the more I know myself, the more I realize that wanting to be and being aren't the same. It takes work and discipline to grow in Christ. I mean I know that. We all know that. But I think I have come to this point where I am seeing for myself how easy it is to float along as a believer...and end up going nowhere. God's will isn't always going to align with my desires, and I'm not going to just fall into it without seeking it with passion.

I have always been a thinker, and I wake up occasionally feeling overwhelmed about life and death and God and earth and what I am doing while I am here. I worry about my family. I wonder about what's to come. I get overwhelmed trying to grasp it all, the seriousness of it all.

And, I have allowed myself to not spend enough time with God. Despite my neglect, God has been restoring me. He has restored a certain joy and motivation for Him, in me, that makes me feel like the me I need to be...something I know and miss when it's not there. When Jeff Helton introduced the study of Philippians, I found myself excited for the first time in a while. I have struggled a lot with mediocrity I think for the past 2 years. I am ready to get rid of some of my clutter and things that are not productive for the kingdom and do more of what He made me to do. So, these are things that should be a given; I realize that. It's a shame. I know it. But seriously I feel God at work in me...and I can't take any credit. And I am so thankful.